*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
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If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Phones down.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.