Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
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We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.