dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
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Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.