Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
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My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Pass gas, not judgment.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.