[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
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Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance