Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
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I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
*3.5 thank you very much.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.