I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
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I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Isn’t
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.