If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
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Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
They’re called werewolves.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜