“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
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an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”