I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
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Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?