Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
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If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
I have a type: disappointing
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.