Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
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I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
THE AUDACITY. 馃槫
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don鈥檛
caragus
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I鈥檓 still single. Especially my wife.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
This is painfully accurate 馃槄
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?