In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
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Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]