[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
You Might Also Like
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Someone just threatened to call me later
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.