if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
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Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
why no one uses midhusbands
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools