Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
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My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?