DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
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I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.