I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
You Might Also Like
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Hotels are back
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.