My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
You Might Also Like
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge