ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
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Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Um … Hot Wings please
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Had an epiphany today.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor