Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
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Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
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St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.