Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
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The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.