Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
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I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
*power walks to the refrigerator*
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were