Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
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Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
this could fix me
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.