my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
You Might Also Like
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
This tweet has been deleted
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
So we got a goldfish…
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Potatoes were such a good idea
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.