The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
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Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
*cough*
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.