*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
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SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments