Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
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Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
our love story in four pictures
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
That’s classic.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.