My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
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All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you