I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
You Might Also Like
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Fiction has to make sense.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
What if all the cashiers are married?
Finally
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.