(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
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I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
2022 will be better than 2021
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.