Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
You Might Also Like
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.