Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
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I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Everything reminds me of my ex
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.