When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
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“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere