“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
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These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Good point.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.