Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
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I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.