Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
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GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*