I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
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[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours