[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
You Might Also Like
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
I’m giving up for Lent.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad