I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
You Might Also Like
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.