4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
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Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia