It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
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One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Customize Your Wedding.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself