It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
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10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…