There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
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[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.