“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
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By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
We’ve all been there…
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
SF is the wild wild west man
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.