why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
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Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.