A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
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It’s actually Dr. whatever
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.