“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
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Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.