I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
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Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
My current situation
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
🌱🌱🌱
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall