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Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
translated into Canadian
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.